How to Manage Conflict
By Pauline Li
Middle School Social Counselor
Conflict arises whenever individuals have different values, opinions, needs, interests, and are unable to find a middle way. Not every conflict will be the same, and so not every conflict can be resolved in the same manner. But understanding basic strategies can help most situations. Here are seven steps we are using to help students resolve their conflicts in the Middle and Senior School.
1. Cool off
First, before problem-solving can begin, students need time to calm down. Students may benefit from a break in a quiet place when they feel tired, overwhelmed, or upset and could self-regulate their emotions.
2. Scale the problem
3. Express your feelings and needs by using I-statements
By using “I-statements,” you take responsibility for how you feel, think and need, but “You-statements” generally imply that the person you are speaking to is responsible for how you feel. Using “you” statements tend to focus the conversation on blame, accusation and defensiveness.
5 steps formula for making “I-statements” requests:
- When you ...
- I feel …
- The story I’m telling myself is …
- I need/want/prefer …
- Would you …
For example: Friendship - consistently late
4. Listen and reflect actively
Students actively discuss the kinds of issues they face and both sides are enabled to tell their story in turn and without interruption.
5. Brainstorm solutions to problems
Students can work together to find solutions that are acceptable to both. This is a good time for students to learn to compromise. It can be helpful for a counselor/teacher to start the discussion with some suggestions, but the ideas come from the students.
6. Choose a solution
Students now go over their brainstormed list of solutions to eliminate the ones that are not good for both of them and ones that won’t address future problems.
7. Move Forward
Students can close out the session by acknowledging what happened and forgiving the other student if an apology or forgiveness is warranted. Their conversation and actions will be focused on moving forward and the students those involved can learn and grow from the experience.
Parents who have concerns about their daughters’ welfare can make a referral to counselors and/or GLC. Please let us know about your concern in a timely way.
Counselors:
Junior School: yeojinahn@branksome.asia
Middle & Senior School
G6, 8, 10 and 12 (L-Z): brookpauley@branksome.asia
G7, 9, 11, 12 (A-K), and all Chinese students: paulineli@branksome.asia