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How to Manage Conflict

How to Manage Conflict


By Pauline Li
Middle School Social Counselor

 

Conflict arises whenever individuals have different values, opinions, needs, interests, and are unable to find a middle way. Not every conflict will be the same, and so not every conflict can be resolved in the same manner. But understanding basic strategies can help most situations. Here are seven steps we are using to help students resolve their conflicts in the Middle and Senior School.

1. Cool off

First, before problem-solving can begin, students need time to calm down. Students may benefit from a break in a quiet place when they feel tired, overwhelmed, or upset and could self-regulate their emotions. 

2. Scale the problem

3. Express your feelings and needs by using I-statements

By using “I-statements,” you take responsibility for how you feel, think and need, but “You-statements” generally imply that the person you are speaking to is responsible for how you feel. Using “you” statements tend to focus the conversation on blame, accusation and defensiveness.

5 steps formula for making “I-statements” requests:

  1. When you ...
  2. I feel …
  3. The story I’m telling myself is …
  4. I need/want/prefer …
  5. Would you …

For example: Friendship - consistently late 

You-statements

I-statements

You are always late, it’s annoying.

1. When you come late to our lunch dates.

2. I feel hurt.

3. The story I’m telling myself is that you don’t care about our friendship.

4. I need to know that you respect our commitments.

5. Would you put a timer on your phone to make sure that you arrive on time for our next lunch or let me know at that point that you are going to be late so that I can decide whether or not I can accommodate the change in our plans?

 

4. Listen and reflect actively 

Students actively discuss the kinds of issues they face and both sides are enabled to tell their story in turn and without interruption. 

 

5. Brainstorm solutions to problems

Students can work together to find solutions that are acceptable to both. This is a good time for students to learn to compromise. It can be helpful for a counselor/teacher to start the discussion with some suggestions, but the ideas come from the students. 

 

6. Choose a solution

Students now go over their brainstormed list of solutions to eliminate the ones that are not good for both of them and ones that won’t address future problems. 

 

7. Move Forward

Students can close out the session by acknowledging what happened and forgiving the other student if an apology or forgiveness is warranted. Their conversation and actions will be focused on moving forward and the students those involved can learn and grow from the experience.

Parents who have concerns about their daughters’ welfare can make a referral to counselors and/or GLC. Please let us know about your concern in a timely way. 

 

Counselors: 

Junior School: yeojinahn@branksome.asia

Middle & Senior School 

G6, 8, 10 and 12 (L-Z): brookpauley@branksome.asia 

G7, 9, 11, 12 (A-K), and all Chinese students: paulineli@branksome.asia